Sex Education - Top 10 Tips for Talking with Kids

When it comes to talking to kids about growing up, parents rarely hold back. Typically we're eager to offer thoughts on every aspect of our children's lives - for example drugs, talking to strangers and responsible driving. But there's one topic that often poses a challenge: sex.

Why are we so worried about talking with our children about this topic?

    * Some parents report they don't know what to say, how to say it or where to start
    * Others believe they can't compete with their children's friends or the media
    * Some worry that discussing sex will drive their sons and daughters to do it
    * Many fear their children will want to know about their parents' sex lives
    * Some parents are in denial that their children are even thinking about sex

Believe it or not, research consistently reports that parents have the greatest impact on children's decisions about sex - more than the media or even their friends. To best influence our kids' decisions about sex and relationships, we need to be prepared. We need to understand that if our children can't get clear and honest answers from us, they'll look elsewhere. Once that happens, we've lost our opportunity to impart our beliefs and values about sex to them. So starting early and being confident about what we tell our children is vital.

Karen Lieberman Trocolli, author of Like it Is: A Teen Sex Guide, suggests that honesty, patience and planning are vital to successfully educating your children about sex.

Her Top 10 tips for Talking to Kids about Sex are:

1. Talk early and often

Many mums and dads remember having "The Talk" with their own parents in years gone by. These days, sex education is no longer a one-off event, but rather an ongoing conversation. From early on be open about body parts, relationships and privacy. These themes and this knowledge, started when our kids are toddlers, can guide us to and through adolescence. They will also help to keep our children safe in an era when child protection has become increasingly significant. Remember, even when kids act like parents are the last people they want to hear from, research shows we're the first people they ask.

2. Be prepared

If you answer some questions for yourself first it will be easier to answer them when your children ask. What strategies can I suggest to my child to resist peer pressure? How do I feel about dating? What question do I most fear being asked? If you have thought about these questions and discussed them with your child's other parent beforehand, you'll be better equipped when your child inevitably asks.

3. Look for teachable moments

They're everywhere: television and radio programs; a celebrity's pregnancy; song lyrics; music videos; teenagers holding hands in the shopping centre. The idea isn't to turn all these moments into sermons, but rather to be aware of opportunities to ask your child what he or she thinks and go from there.

4. Use everyday opportunities to talk about sex and relationships

Talking with kids about sex shouldn't be viewed as a parent talking to a child. It's talking with a child. This means listening and answering questions openly, even if you feel uncomfortable. Talking about sex is a chance not just to communicate our perspectives to our kids, but to hear what's on their mind and why. It also is an opportunity to clear up misconceptions they have. Accurate information is the key to good decision making.

5. Delay sex by talking about sex

Many parents worry that kids aren't ready to talk about sex, or that talking about it will drive them to have it. These are very personal issues. Research has found that children whose parents talk with them about sex are more likely to avoid high risk behaviours than those whose parents avoid the issue.

6. Say why

Don't just tell your children what you think. Tell them why. They care and they want to understand. They might not always agree with your reasoning, but by explaining yourself, you will show your children that important decisions need careful consideration. This is a life skill that will stay with them long after they have left home.

7. Don't forget the boys

Sons talk less with parents about resisting pressure and birth control than daughters do. But they need the information just as much. While girls feel the most pressure to have sex from their boyfriends, don't forget that boys also feel it from their mates. Talk to your sons about these issues and let them know that it's OK to talk to you.

8. Never give an untrue answer

It can be dangerous for children to have inaccurate information. It's much better to admit to your child you don't know and to make a promise that you'll find out. Make sure you honour that promise - or better yet, work together to find the answers on the internet or at the library.

9. Don't jump to conclusions

Just because your child asks questions about sex doesn't mean he or she is having it. If your son or daughter doesn't ask, don't assume he or she isn't. All kids, no matter where they are on the sexual activity continuum, should be talking with parents about these topics.

10. Know that your sex life can be kept private

Many parents worry that once the topic of sex is broached, all topics are fair game. This is not so. Most kids don't want to know about - or even imagine - their parents' sex lives. If they ask, it's for perspective and guidance. It's fine to tell them that some things are private but always remember to tell them that you're glad to talk about the issue that prompted the question.

The key to successful sex education at home is open communication. Remember, children's interest in sex and relationships is natural, so listen to your children and tell them what they want to know in an age appropriate way.

If you're not sure how to do this, talk to your family doctor, your child's school counsellor, local family and community health team or a child psychologist.

If you can answer your children's questions simply, clearly and without embarrassment, they are more likely to seek your guidance in the future - and that's your best chance of keeping them safe.

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