Teaching Kids to Share

We all want our kids to grow up to be be caring and sharing adults, but learning to share is an acquired skill that does not always come naturally, according to children's Speech Pathologist and social language specialist, Ros Osling,

"Every parent wants their child to be generous, kind and cooperative, but very young children are by nature self-centred," she said.

"They tend to want things like food, toys and attention all to themselves and it takes several years for them to develop the language and maturity they need to take other people's feelings into account."

Ros says that children who refuse to share are not always being deliberately selfish.

"It is normal for children to become attached to special toys that are familiar and symbolise security."

"When parents demand that their child share their special possession immediately, they sometimes do not realise that they are interrupting important play and forcing their child to surrender something that makes them feel safe and secure."

"It's in this kind of context that many sibling rivalry problems begin."

Ros said that teaching children under the age of ten to play cooperatively can be a challenge for parents.

"Sharing is a difficult concept to teach to competitive siblings, but rather than labelling children as 'selfish' or 'greedy', parents can model good communication skills by giving their child the choice to share or not."

She said that parents who frequently step in to resolve their children's disputes deny their kids the opportunity to learn how to problem solve.

"Siblings tend to find it very difficult to share when their parents get involved in settling disputes."

"As soon as a parent is drawn into the conflict, the risk of unintentionally conveying a preference for one child over another increases and this only makes things worse."

To avoid sharing dramas, Ros recommends the use of simple language rules.

"Rules that reinforce respect and responsibility can be understood by children from the age of three."

"Kids need these kinds of social language skills if they are to make friends and get along happily with their siblings."

Ros suggests three rules for successful sharing:

1. If you want to use something that belongs to someone else, you must ask first.
"When our children go out to visit a friend, we should teach them not to grab toys that belong to another child," she said.

"The ability to ask or wait until a toy is offered is a basic play skill that children need to develop before they go to school."

"This rule also gives children security because when they have friends over to play, they can relax knowing that their parents will gently defend their possessions with language like 'At our house, we ask each other before playing with things that belong to someone else"

"By using these kinds of assertive but fair communication tools, parents provide good models for their children."

2. When someone asks to use your things, you can't simply say, 'no'
Ros advises that children don't have to automatically say 'yes' when another child wants to intrude upon their play.

"But if they refuse to share, they need to respect the other child enough to either give a reason or suggest an alternative, such as 'Let's take turns,' 'You can play with it, but only inside,' or 'That's my new toy and it's special, but you can play with any of these."

"In this way, children are encouraged to be logical and reasonable in their interactions with both their peers and their siblings."

3. Share the toy fairly, or it will go into time out
"Sometimes kids need a bit of help to play and share," Ros said.

"Although parents should not get too involved, providing a clock or timer can establish a system for the equitable use of a toy. This is a particularly useful strategy for children under the age of seven whose responses to visual cues are often better than their ability to process verbal instructions."

"When all else fails and the conflict cannot be resolved, place the toy into time out and re-direct the children to another activity. Eventually, they will learn that unless they play cooperatively, they will lose the ability to play with toys of their choosing."

Ros reminds parents that, while sharing is important, kids also need to feel that there are special toys that are just for them and that it is okay not to share toys that are particularly important or meaningful to them.

"Busy parents' attention is often drawn to conflicts and negative behaviour, however by praising children's positive behaviour they can help their children to share more often."

She said that calmly discussing the rules of sharing before a play date or at the beginning of the day will reinforce expectations and help kids to understand why they need to play co-operatively.

"The best thing that parents can do is notice their children when they are doing the right thing."

"When a child shares well and parents give them specific praise like 'Well done, you shared your toy with your brother in a friendly way!' children are encouraged to repeat that behaviour in the future."

"Ultimately, when it comes to sharing, our children learn more from what we do than from what we say."

"Whatever sharing strategies parents choose for their children, they need to be sure that their kids learn about equity, a fair go and the perspective of others, because these concepts will stay with them as they make their way through school and life in the adult world."

                                                                                                                                   © Sonja Walker 2010

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